My Salty Friends

I’ve been meaning to do this for a while. It’s the kind of thing that you always SAY that you’re going to do, but never actually get around to. There’s just never enough time, with work and everything… someone says they can’t come, someone else gets called away to work, and it winds up being just two people eating popcorn in the corner.

Anyway, I want to introduce all my human friends to all my salt friends. Some you know already; some you’ve heard me talk about recently. Some of them are pretty normal – but I have to admit, some of them are something of an acquired taste. I really think you guys on the whole will get along with them, though.

Without further ado, here’s the gang!

The gang. The salty, salty gang.

Table Salt

Everyone knows table salt – it’s the Kevin Bacon of salt. (Or, as table salt says, Kevin Bacon is the table salt of movie stars.) Table salt does his best to make himself a bit more interesting; he’s big into iodine – but it’s the wrong kind of interesting, if you know what I mean. In the end, he’ll never be more than plain ol’ table salt – reliable, but not that good in the pinch; decent at a lot of things, but not really great at any.

The Kosher Twins

These are David and Morton, the Kosher twins. It’s really hard to tell the difference between the two of them sometimes, but there are telltale giveaways. Morton is a bit more regular, if you know what I mean, whereas David is a bit… flakier, less uniform. David is definitely bigger, too – he grew up in Israel, they must put something in the water there. These guys are good for almost anything – but just like any Jew, they’re always going to make sure that they’re heard, so if you don’t want the salt to speak up, you might want to consider using salt with a little less character.

Rocky

Rock salt – Rocky, to his friends – is not exactly the most subtle of the group. You don’t want rocky anywhere near your Beef Filet en Croute a la Provencal. Like everyone else, though, he’s a good guy, you just need to make sure you’re giving him a job that’s within his abilities. He’s great at stopping ice crystals from forming – so if you want to clean off your walkway, he’s your man. You know where else you don’t want ice crystals? Ice cream! Like so many big guys, Rocky is great with the kids. Without him, ice cream is just chunks of flavored ice. Finally, Rocky is, well, a rock – so if you want to cook something using salt, or encrust something, he’s the guy you want to do it with.

Himalayan Pink Rock Salt

Himalayan Pink is Rocky’s cousin from the mountains, but honestly, the two couldn’t be more different. Pink is a bit… crystal weirdness for my tastes, to be honest; hippies seem to think that because she comes from Tibet she’s got magic powers. She is so popular these days, and it’s easy to see why – she’s pretty, and she’s a bit exotic… but not too exotic, which is what I think people like about her. In the end, she’s just salt.

Garlic Salt

There’s always someone who just hangs around because you can’t think of a good reason to get rid of him. There’s really nothing that garlic salt does that’s unique enough to really want to spend time with… but I have to admit, sometimes you’re not in the mood for anything exotic, you don’t even really care that you could have something better – it’s here, right now, you don’t have to do anything, and you’ll have a decent time. That’s when Garlic Salt really shines.

Sea Salt

I don’t know what to make of this guy. He puts on airs like he was out to sea, but the truth is that he comes from a mine in Utah. Still, this guy is interesting enough that we’ll forgive him his affectation. He’s got great flavor, and his size and shape make him decent for just about anything, from cooking to serving at the table. And who cares that he came from a mine, rather a salt evaporation pond? Honestly, if he didn’t make such a big deal about being from the sea, I never would have noticed that he wasn’t.

Kala Namak

I have to admit, I’m kinda jealous to let anyone else know that this Indian salt exists. I’m married and all, but what guy wants to introduce someone dark, sultry, and exotic to all his friends? It’s just going end up with her leaving with one of your single friends, and who wants that? Man, Kala is fine. And when I say fine, I mean it – so fine, that she’s almost a powder. She gets that color from sulfur, and you can taste it on her too – a bit of an eggy taste, definitely like no other salt I’ve ever had. What do you do with her? I have no idea – but she’s pretty and fun to have around, so she doesn’t need to be useful.


Most of these I picked up over the last few weeks, in preparation for this project. All but the Kala Namak were available at grocery stores (I’m including Whole Foods in that category.) but as I said, I honestly have no clue what, if anything, I’ll use the Kala for.

If I were stocking my kitchen right now, I’d probably go with the sea salt as my general-purpose salt, the David’s Kosher salt as my cooking salt (it’s much more expensive than the Morton’s, but the bigger flakes are nice) and the rock salt to play around with. I’d also keep a few ounces of the Kala Namak. I really am enamored of it, and maybe someday I’ll find a dish that really wants some extra sulfur.